My relationship with my parents is better. After staying far too long at Coopers, Austin and I traveled to Indiana to stay with my parents for a week. Boy was it good to be home. My parents and I had a long drawn out conversation about the last 3 years. I am so different from my siblings and they didn't know how to deal with it. I hated going to church and my whole family is extremely religious. Both of my sister's married around age 30. One has 2 kids and the other has no children. My brother has a huge house, he's a lawyer and he and his wife have been happily married for 14 years and have 5 children. And my brother Michael has been fighting for our country for 7+ years. Their relationship with God is one that I could never relate to.
My differences scared my family. I was a nerd in high school, I never really hung out with friends. I was so sheltered and never let my parents into my social life. I grew a lot from high school to college where Graham and I began our relationship. They never knew about him until one day I told them I was engaged. They were mad because they'd never met Graham, never knew anything about him and here I was giving my life to him. I did'nt want to be married in a church which was important to my parents. All of my siblings were married in the same one. I picked up and moved from a small town in Indiana to the shittiest town, Castle Apartments. I followed the man of my dreams and spent a good life with him here.
After being in Indiana I began to realize exactly how crazy Castle apartments is. I ultimately decided that I can't live here anymore. I returned home a few days ago, well not to my home, but to Harry and Miranda Sminote's home. I feel weird calling their house my home. Because it isn't and it never will be. It is the home of Graham's parents and my son's grandparents. We will visit whenever asked, but 8 months have passed and it's their turn to grieve their own way without having to hide it from me.
While I was in Key West a Realtor called me and informed me that someone wanted to purchase my apartment if I was willing to let it go. And by all means I was. I didn't even realize I had put it on the market, in fact I hadn't. But this was great news for me. I wanted to put that apartment in the past. I had no belongings in it anymore and I rarely set foot in it. It brought back memories I was unwilling to relive.
I am officially not a member of the Castle apartments community and this couldn't have happened at a better time. There is far too much crime, death, and kidnapping. It isn't my ideal place to raise my family. If Graham were still here then by all means I would have stayed, but he isn't and I have to do whats best for me.
Laney hasn't been found and the detective on her case died a few days ago. At the clinic I volunteer at on my off days, a schizophrenic man named Sile N'Bhroin was murdered for taking another mans appointment. The murder is a man named Cleak. A man that I have crossed paths with in my time at the clinic multiple times. If he killed a man he barely knew, I could only imagine what he could do to me. And for the saftey of my child I imagined Laney a sweet innocent girl who was unable to fend for herself. The person who kidnapped Laney could take my son away from me and I wouldn't know how to function.
I refuse to live in the Sminote's home for another day. I have figured out that if I quit my job I will have enough money to live on my own for about 2 years. Graham left me all he owned, and my apartment sold for far more than I bought it for.
Tomorrow I will quit my job but for tonight I will sleep at the hospital. I will miss Paige and her husband Mark. I will miss my co-workers and everyone I met here. But this is good for me.
I will figure out where I am going to live tomorrow. But for now I am homeless.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Number 10
3 years. I haven't seen, heard, or talked to my parents since 2009. They didn't even come to my wedding. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and they couldn't forgive me for 2 hours while I gave my life to the man I love. And now? They want to be a part of Austins life? Who do they think they are all of a sudden?
I had to leave. I had to get out of this town. Having my parents here would only make me even more claustrophobic. There are only so many places to hide.
Austin and I caught the red eye flight and we arrived at Coopers house around 6:50 Friday morning. Cooper and I have known each other forever. If Graham and I hadn't discovered each other, I probably would have ended up with Cooper. He's brilliant, funny, smart, good looking and most importantly would do anything to help a friend out. Graham and Cooper weren't the greatest of friends until after Graham and I got married. Graham always felt threatened by Cooper and my relationship with him.
Like I said, Cooper would do anything to help a friend out and that's how I'm sitting here looking out over the Ocean so spur of the moment. Cooper had a lot of surprises in store for me. We went out to a quick kid friendly dinner one night, drank wine on the porch, and took a beach walk two nights ago.
Last night was a different story. I woke up to Cooper caring for Austin, who barely slept last night.When I woke up Cooper had a bouquet of Roses sitting next to my bed along with a mimosa. Boy did I need it! Cooper told me he'd hired a babysitter for the night and that he bought tickets for a concert.
Little did I know, my parents had contacted Cooper and they were going to babysit my son. This is far from what I ever expected and something I never wanted.
The next 45 minutes I stood with my parents, Cooper and little Austin in sight screaming at the top of my lungs. I was acting like a teenager again I was having a temper tantrum at 25 years old. I wouldn't let them touch Austin. Austin was crying, I was crying and my parents were crying.
Finally Cooper got me into a room, one that I had never seen before in this 4 story modern beach house, where he calmed me down. I hated him. I was so angry with him. I wanted nothing more than to go back home. I left the comfort of the Sminote's house in order to avoid my parents. I was planning on having a nice vacation enjoying the company of a man I can call my best friend. But of course with my luck, they show up here.
"I wanted nothing to do with my parents Copper! You have to understand what I have been through with them. I have fought too many battles that have ended badly. I am independent and I have moved on from them. Just like I am trying to do now with my Graham situation."
"Your Graham situation Riley? Do you realize how long it took ME to get over YOU? After you chose Graham over be because he was more "established in his career"? Is my being a lawyer not good enough for you?"
"Cooper? Are you really making this about you? Do you know what I've been through?"
"You've told me, hell and back. But you have to stop. It's been 7 months. You have to live for you and stop wanting people to feel sorry for you. I brought your parents here because they want to rekindle their relationship with you. This is for your own benefit and the benefit of your son. You can't let him grow up not knowing his father and then on top of that not knowing his grandparents. Let them babysit him Ri. It will be good for him. And good for you. They supported you through college and they want to support you now. Forget the past, you have a whole future to live for."
"3 years Cooper! I can't get that time back!"
I was furious, but Cooper was right, I stopped hating him for the time being and realized why he was my best friend again. We proceeded to go to the concert and when we got home Austin was sound asleep. I don't know how my parents got him to sleep, that child only ever sleeps when I need to be awake.
But then I remembered, they'd raised me and my 5 siblings. They were experts by the time they got to me. For the first time in 3 years I was thankful for them and all they had ever done for me. I actually considered forgiving them and trying to love them again. Too soon though.
I'm not quite ready to move on from the pain of the last 3 years.
I had to leave. I had to get out of this town. Having my parents here would only make me even more claustrophobic. There are only so many places to hide.
Austin and I caught the red eye flight and we arrived at Coopers house around 6:50 Friday morning. Cooper and I have known each other forever. If Graham and I hadn't discovered each other, I probably would have ended up with Cooper. He's brilliant, funny, smart, good looking and most importantly would do anything to help a friend out. Graham and Cooper weren't the greatest of friends until after Graham and I got married. Graham always felt threatened by Cooper and my relationship with him.
Like I said, Cooper would do anything to help a friend out and that's how I'm sitting here looking out over the Ocean so spur of the moment. Cooper had a lot of surprises in store for me. We went out to a quick kid friendly dinner one night, drank wine on the porch, and took a beach walk two nights ago.
Last night was a different story. I woke up to Cooper caring for Austin, who barely slept last night.When I woke up Cooper had a bouquet of Roses sitting next to my bed along with a mimosa. Boy did I need it! Cooper told me he'd hired a babysitter for the night and that he bought tickets for a concert.
Little did I know, my parents had contacted Cooper and they were going to babysit my son. This is far from what I ever expected and something I never wanted.
The next 45 minutes I stood with my parents, Cooper and little Austin in sight screaming at the top of my lungs. I was acting like a teenager again I was having a temper tantrum at 25 years old. I wouldn't let them touch Austin. Austin was crying, I was crying and my parents were crying.
Finally Cooper got me into a room, one that I had never seen before in this 4 story modern beach house, where he calmed me down. I hated him. I was so angry with him. I wanted nothing more than to go back home. I left the comfort of the Sminote's house in order to avoid my parents. I was planning on having a nice vacation enjoying the company of a man I can call my best friend. But of course with my luck, they show up here.
"I wanted nothing to do with my parents Copper! You have to understand what I have been through with them. I have fought too many battles that have ended badly. I am independent and I have moved on from them. Just like I am trying to do now with my Graham situation."
"Your Graham situation Riley? Do you realize how long it took ME to get over YOU? After you chose Graham over be because he was more "established in his career"? Is my being a lawyer not good enough for you?"
"Cooper? Are you really making this about you? Do you know what I've been through?"
"You've told me, hell and back. But you have to stop. It's been 7 months. You have to live for you and stop wanting people to feel sorry for you. I brought your parents here because they want to rekindle their relationship with you. This is for your own benefit and the benefit of your son. You can't let him grow up not knowing his father and then on top of that not knowing his grandparents. Let them babysit him Ri. It will be good for him. And good for you. They supported you through college and they want to support you now. Forget the past, you have a whole future to live for."
"3 years Cooper! I can't get that time back!"
I was furious, but Cooper was right, I stopped hating him for the time being and realized why he was my best friend again. We proceeded to go to the concert and when we got home Austin was sound asleep. I don't know how my parents got him to sleep, that child only ever sleeps when I need to be awake.
But then I remembered, they'd raised me and my 5 siblings. They were experts by the time they got to me. For the first time in 3 years I was thankful for them and all they had ever done for me. I actually considered forgiving them and trying to love them again. Too soon though.
I'm not quite ready to move on from the pain of the last 3 years.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Number 9
Since my encounter with Graham life has been somewhat normal again. I went back to work and discovered that this is my real calling in life. I'm doing what I love, I'm living through Graham, and I'm finally moving on.
Yesterday was an exceptional day at the office. I witnessed someone do the unthinkable for another person despite her own story. I was called into room 149 on the first floor of the hospital, the emergency room floor. This was far from my normal 6th floor visits for labor and delivery.
I met 2 strong and powerful women named Spring and Linda. Both of these women are women I aspire to be for their kindness toward one another, their willing to open up, which I struggle with, and their innate ability to see the good in every situation.
Spring's story is very similar to mine, but worlds apart at the same time. She lost everything. Her baby, her fiance and so much more. Spring met her ex-fiance in High school, just like Graham and I. But Spring and Robbie were put into an intense situation when Spring found out that she was pregnant at 17. Robbie acted cool about the situation but when Spring miscarried months into her pregnancy Robbie flew from the scene. He didn't stay to help Spring come to terms with what she had just been through. Yet Spring was helping Linda when she was mugged and her husband wasn't there. Essentially, Spring saved the life of Linda and her child.
Their story taught me that I need to let go. Spring doesn't know it but she helped me immensely. She made me realize that you can lose everything and still be a good Samaritan and still have a life to live. Here I am with a baby who at times I can't even face because he reminds me so much of Graham. I neglect his attention on other days because I wasn't prepared to be a single mother.
Right after Graham died I saw happy couples walking around town and I would find myself wishing negative thoughts on them. I didn't think it was fair for them to have their loved ones and for me to have nothing.
Spring really brought the light at the end of the tunnel for me. She brought Graham's wish for me to move on to reality. She moved on and she is still so strong and collected. Looking at me, one would think I was hit by a train, but looking at her you can't even begin to think she has been through hell and back.
When I got home from work I went over to my castle apartment for the first time since the break in. I cleaned out Graham's closet and boxed up everything else in the apartment. I am ready to rid myself of apartment 444 for good.
The last thing I did was listen to the 67 phone messages I had. They were all from my mother. The only phone number she had for me. She's heard from some of my friends that I've had a baby and that Graham passed away. She asked an endless amount of questions that I couldn't even begin to think about answering.
"Why didn't you call Ri?"
"Why didn't you tell us what you were going through?"
"We would have been there in a matter of minutes."
"You will always be our little girl."
"Riley, please call us back. We have so much to catch up on."
"We miss you." "We want to be a part of you and your sons lives."
"You're not answering, I've called everyday, twice a day for the last 3 weeks. I got in touch with Harry and Miranda. I'll be there on Saturday."
The last one threw me off. I listened to her messages, shed a couple tears, and proceeded to drop the phone and the answering machine off my 4th story apartment balcony. My mother hated my guts after I married Graham. She wanted nothing to do with me. But now that she knows he's gone she wants to be apart of my life? And just because shes Austin's grandmother she wants to act like she needs to be apart of his life? I don't want my son around someone who is up supportive of me. Him and I are one. If you don't want to be a part of my life over some stupid christian values. Then you can't be apart of his.
I thought I was a new found person. I was going to move on, forget about the past. But hearing my mother's voice was simply too much for right now. I couldn't quite get over that yet.
It's Thursday, and my mother will be here Saturday, I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I'm headed to Key West to visit an old college friend. Just me and Austin.
Good luck finding me there, Mom.
Yesterday was an exceptional day at the office. I witnessed someone do the unthinkable for another person despite her own story. I was called into room 149 on the first floor of the hospital, the emergency room floor. This was far from my normal 6th floor visits for labor and delivery.
I met 2 strong and powerful women named Spring and Linda. Both of these women are women I aspire to be for their kindness toward one another, their willing to open up, which I struggle with, and their innate ability to see the good in every situation.
Spring's story is very similar to mine, but worlds apart at the same time. She lost everything. Her baby, her fiance and so much more. Spring met her ex-fiance in High school, just like Graham and I. But Spring and Robbie were put into an intense situation when Spring found out that she was pregnant at 17. Robbie acted cool about the situation but when Spring miscarried months into her pregnancy Robbie flew from the scene. He didn't stay to help Spring come to terms with what she had just been through. Yet Spring was helping Linda when she was mugged and her husband wasn't there. Essentially, Spring saved the life of Linda and her child.
Their story taught me that I need to let go. Spring doesn't know it but she helped me immensely. She made me realize that you can lose everything and still be a good Samaritan and still have a life to live. Here I am with a baby who at times I can't even face because he reminds me so much of Graham. I neglect his attention on other days because I wasn't prepared to be a single mother.
Right after Graham died I saw happy couples walking around town and I would find myself wishing negative thoughts on them. I didn't think it was fair for them to have their loved ones and for me to have nothing.
Spring really brought the light at the end of the tunnel for me. She brought Graham's wish for me to move on to reality. She moved on and she is still so strong and collected. Looking at me, one would think I was hit by a train, but looking at her you can't even begin to think she has been through hell and back.
When I got home from work I went over to my castle apartment for the first time since the break in. I cleaned out Graham's closet and boxed up everything else in the apartment. I am ready to rid myself of apartment 444 for good.
The last thing I did was listen to the 67 phone messages I had. They were all from my mother. The only phone number she had for me. She's heard from some of my friends that I've had a baby and that Graham passed away. She asked an endless amount of questions that I couldn't even begin to think about answering.
"Why didn't you call Ri?"
"Why didn't you tell us what you were going through?"
"We would have been there in a matter of minutes."
"You will always be our little girl."
"Riley, please call us back. We have so much to catch up on."
"We miss you." "We want to be a part of you and your sons lives."
"You're not answering, I've called everyday, twice a day for the last 3 weeks. I got in touch with Harry and Miranda. I'll be there on Saturday."
The last one threw me off. I listened to her messages, shed a couple tears, and proceeded to drop the phone and the answering machine off my 4th story apartment balcony. My mother hated my guts after I married Graham. She wanted nothing to do with me. But now that she knows he's gone she wants to be apart of my life? And just because shes Austin's grandmother she wants to act like she needs to be apart of his life? I don't want my son around someone who is up supportive of me. Him and I are one. If you don't want to be a part of my life over some stupid christian values. Then you can't be apart of his.
I thought I was a new found person. I was going to move on, forget about the past. But hearing my mother's voice was simply too much for right now. I couldn't quite get over that yet.
It's Thursday, and my mother will be here Saturday, I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I'm headed to Key West to visit an old college friend. Just me and Austin.
Good luck finding me there, Mom.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Number 8
Graham's birthday was a day full of negativity. I went to bed that night with my windows closed and woke up the next morning earlier than normal. It was about 6:30am. Austin wasn't awake yet and the air felt still. Creepily still.
I went to work just to get my mind off of things. There I met a patient, Clara Kate Holloway. She seemed confused, distraught and unaware of her surroundings. She was laying in the mental health wing of the Good Samaritan Clinic.
What I don't quite understand is what happened to me. When I woke up I was still tired, a little groggy, but I couldn't fall back asleep. I've never been one to believe in ghosts. I'm not superstitious and I've always felt that people who claimed to have seen ghosts were simply crazy. But after this morning, I took a walk on the crazy side. I finally understood those who'd said they'd seen ghosts, granted some of them were just making it up for attention.
But this morning I saw Graham. I felt his touch, heard his voice, and remembered how good it felt to be loved. I hit myself multiple times thinking I was dreaming. But Graham reassured me that I wasn't. I found myself thinking that I should be where Clara Kate was laying. I don't usually interact with my patients and tell them about my personal life. But I found a little of myself in Clara Kate and I needed someone to talk to.
My conversation with Graham's ghost was the first real conversation I've had in a while. It didn't seem sugarcoated, he didn't ask how I was feeling, and he didn't tell me that he knew what I was going through was hard. I introduced myself to Clara Kate and proceeded to tell her how my conversation with my husband went:
"Ri, it's me. I'm here for you."
"Graham? What's happening? You can't, you can't be here. You left me 7 months ago."
"Ri baby, believe me. Talk to me. Hold me while you can. I'm here."
"It's you! It's you! Look at our precious boy. His name is..."
"His name is Graham Austin Sminote. Born on January 4th 2012. Baby I was there. I was with you. I'm with you every time you cry. I'm there to protect you when you're in danger. I never wanted to leave you but it was my time to go. God has a reason for everything he does."
"No. Stop! This can't be real. I need you."
"Ri, you have me. I will be there whenever you need me. But you can't sit in your bed crying, wasting away."
"Graham, I still wear my wedding ring. I can't take it off. It goes with me through my ups and my downs."
"I am here for you. And I am here to tell you that you must move on. For me, my parents, and our child. You can't continue to live in a shell. You have to get out and be yourself. Be who you want to be. You never skipped work before. You always were independent. You were a go getter. Be that. That's who I fell in love with and that is who someone else will fall in love with if you just let them."
"But I can't! I can't. I am afraid of loving. My heart has been filled with an enormous amount of hate."
Our conversation ended with words I will never forget:
"Riley. I want you to keep that ring forever, as a symbol of my love. My love for a girl who is strong willed, independent and not afraid to fall in love again."
Telling my story to Clara Kate made it that much more real for me. I guess I am crazy and I'm definitely not ready to love again. I have things to figure out about myself and about my family. But having Graham there today, helped me immensely. He ultimately told me to move on. But I don't think I can find someone who treated me half as good as he did.
After work, Page and I have plans for dinner. I'm debating about whether or not to tell her about my encounter with Graham. I'm not quite sure if she'll be as understanding as Clara Kate was.
I went to work just to get my mind off of things. There I met a patient, Clara Kate Holloway. She seemed confused, distraught and unaware of her surroundings. She was laying in the mental health wing of the Good Samaritan Clinic.
What I don't quite understand is what happened to me. When I woke up I was still tired, a little groggy, but I couldn't fall back asleep. I've never been one to believe in ghosts. I'm not superstitious and I've always felt that people who claimed to have seen ghosts were simply crazy. But after this morning, I took a walk on the crazy side. I finally understood those who'd said they'd seen ghosts, granted some of them were just making it up for attention.
But this morning I saw Graham. I felt his touch, heard his voice, and remembered how good it felt to be loved. I hit myself multiple times thinking I was dreaming. But Graham reassured me that I wasn't. I found myself thinking that I should be where Clara Kate was laying. I don't usually interact with my patients and tell them about my personal life. But I found a little of myself in Clara Kate and I needed someone to talk to.
My conversation with Graham's ghost was the first real conversation I've had in a while. It didn't seem sugarcoated, he didn't ask how I was feeling, and he didn't tell me that he knew what I was going through was hard. I introduced myself to Clara Kate and proceeded to tell her how my conversation with my husband went:
"Ri, it's me. I'm here for you."
"Graham? What's happening? You can't, you can't be here. You left me 7 months ago."
"Ri baby, believe me. Talk to me. Hold me while you can. I'm here."
"It's you! It's you! Look at our precious boy. His name is..."
"His name is Graham Austin Sminote. Born on January 4th 2012. Baby I was there. I was with you. I'm with you every time you cry. I'm there to protect you when you're in danger. I never wanted to leave you but it was my time to go. God has a reason for everything he does."
"No. Stop! This can't be real. I need you."
"Ri, you have me. I will be there whenever you need me. But you can't sit in your bed crying, wasting away."
"Graham, I still wear my wedding ring. I can't take it off. It goes with me through my ups and my downs."
"I am here for you. And I am here to tell you that you must move on. For me, my parents, and our child. You can't continue to live in a shell. You have to get out and be yourself. Be who you want to be. You never skipped work before. You always were independent. You were a go getter. Be that. That's who I fell in love with and that is who someone else will fall in love with if you just let them."
"But I can't! I can't. I am afraid of loving. My heart has been filled with an enormous amount of hate."
Our conversation ended with words I will never forget:
"Riley. I want you to keep that ring forever, as a symbol of my love. My love for a girl who is strong willed, independent and not afraid to fall in love again."
Telling my story to Clara Kate made it that much more real for me. I guess I am crazy and I'm definitely not ready to love again. I have things to figure out about myself and about my family. But having Graham there today, helped me immensely. He ultimately told me to move on. But I don't think I can find someone who treated me half as good as he did.
After work, Page and I have plans for dinner. I'm debating about whether or not to tell her about my encounter with Graham. I'm not quite sure if she'll be as understanding as Clara Kate was.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Number 7
“Gimme hate, Lord,” he whimpered. “I’ll take hate any day. But don’t give me love. I can’t take no more love, Lord. I can’t carry it...It’s too heavy. Jesus, you know, You know all about it. Ain’t it heavy? Jesus? Ain’t love heavy?" (Song of Solomon)
If love is followed by this unexplainable feeling or hate then I never want to love again. I can't have something so good and so right disappear in a matter of seconds ever repeat in my life. Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a while because it's Graham's birthday. Well it isn't, but it would have been. He would have turned a whopping 26. It is extremely bittersweet. On the one hand I get the pleasure of remembering all of the birthdays I have spent with him. There are the ones in high school where I shyly mumbled "Happy Birthday" in the halls and then there are the ones where we flew to a restaurant out of the state in his private plane and spent the night in a place we'd never been before. On the other hand, I feel discomfort each time my phone rings to ask me how I'm doing.
On this day I look at my son Austin and I see so much of Graham in him. It hurts more today than any other day. I have replayed the phone call, the waiting by Graham's bed up until he died, the moment I found out I was pregnant, and everything I have had to do on my own since Graham left me in this world over and over again. I have my good days and my bad days where at times I can't function. There are days where I won't eat and others where I simply lay in bed all day and Graham's parents take care of my sweet baby boy.
Today has been the hardest day in a while. Graham's parents have attempted multiple times to get me out of the house but I lay here in constant pain. I can't take 2 steps without tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. I had the Sminote's clear out every picture of Graham and every picture of Austin from the room in which I sleep. Everytime I glanced at one of them my heart filled with hate. Hate for myself for not going with Graham, hate that I am still alive and he's not, and hate that Laney still hasn't been found. I also hate my inability to find my own house and my inability to parent and move on. I hate myself for my relationship with my own parents and my lack of a relationship with my son.
After today I will be strong, I will fight to get my relationship with my parents back and I will better my relationships with my coworkers and friends. Graham would never want to see me sit here and waste away. I am living for a reason. I am living for him and through him.
I may never be able to love again, but I will not let hate predetermine my future.
If love is followed by this unexplainable feeling or hate then I never want to love again. I can't have something so good and so right disappear in a matter of seconds ever repeat in my life. Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a while because it's Graham's birthday. Well it isn't, but it would have been. He would have turned a whopping 26. It is extremely bittersweet. On the one hand I get the pleasure of remembering all of the birthdays I have spent with him. There are the ones in high school where I shyly mumbled "Happy Birthday" in the halls and then there are the ones where we flew to a restaurant out of the state in his private plane and spent the night in a place we'd never been before. On the other hand, I feel discomfort each time my phone rings to ask me how I'm doing.
On this day I look at my son Austin and I see so much of Graham in him. It hurts more today than any other day. I have replayed the phone call, the waiting by Graham's bed up until he died, the moment I found out I was pregnant, and everything I have had to do on my own since Graham left me in this world over and over again. I have my good days and my bad days where at times I can't function. There are days where I won't eat and others where I simply lay in bed all day and Graham's parents take care of my sweet baby boy.
Today has been the hardest day in a while. Graham's parents have attempted multiple times to get me out of the house but I lay here in constant pain. I can't take 2 steps without tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. I had the Sminote's clear out every picture of Graham and every picture of Austin from the room in which I sleep. Everytime I glanced at one of them my heart filled with hate. Hate for myself for not going with Graham, hate that I am still alive and he's not, and hate that Laney still hasn't been found. I also hate my inability to find my own house and my inability to parent and move on. I hate myself for my relationship with my own parents and my lack of a relationship with my son.
After today I will be strong, I will fight to get my relationship with my parents back and I will better my relationships with my coworkers and friends. Graham would never want to see me sit here and waste away. I am living for a reason. I am living for him and through him.
I may never be able to love again, but I will not let hate predetermine my future.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Number 6
A couple of weeks after being rushed to the hospital, I had my baby boy on January 4th, 2012. I named him after my beloved husband Graham. He reminds me so much of Graham, he is the spitting image of him. I couldn't have asked for a healthier baby boy. Graham's parents and I chose to call my sweet boy by his middle name, Austin.
I haven't returned to work yet and Laney hasn't been found. It is early March and Austin just turned 2 months old 3 days ago.
Today was an odd day, Austin slept through the night last night which he has never done before and now he won't go back to sleep. So I decided to take him for a stroll in Sherwood Park, somewhere I have not been since my last chain of events there.
...And maybe I should have continued not to go back and visit. It seems that there is something off about my last few visits to Sherwood park. I hadn't been there but maybe 20 minutes when I got run into by a perpetrator who took Austin's diaper bag and left!
I became a victim once again in Sherwood park. Luckily, the only thing in Austin's diaper bag was a new bag of wipes, 3 diapers, and some butt paste. No money, no phone, nothing really valuable. But I sure did like that diaper bag! It was the cutest one I received after giving birth to Austin.
After a couple of people asked me if I was okay, I power walked home feeling kind of out of it. On the way, Austin fell asleep (Thank God!). I informed the Sminotes of what happened to me in Sherwood Park and agreed to never go there without another adult again. This alone made me miss Graham's presence and our walks around town.
The day ended with a nap, when the baby sleeps, I sleep. Austin would be awake in 3 hours for another feeding.
I haven't returned to work yet and Laney hasn't been found. It is early March and Austin just turned 2 months old 3 days ago.
Today was an odd day, Austin slept through the night last night which he has never done before and now he won't go back to sleep. So I decided to take him for a stroll in Sherwood Park, somewhere I have not been since my last chain of events there.
...And maybe I should have continued not to go back and visit. It seems that there is something off about my last few visits to Sherwood park. I hadn't been there but maybe 20 minutes when I got run into by a perpetrator who took Austin's diaper bag and left!
I became a victim once again in Sherwood park. Luckily, the only thing in Austin's diaper bag was a new bag of wipes, 3 diapers, and some butt paste. No money, no phone, nothing really valuable. But I sure did like that diaper bag! It was the cutest one I received after giving birth to Austin.
After a couple of people asked me if I was okay, I power walked home feeling kind of out of it. On the way, Austin fell asleep (Thank God!). I informed the Sminotes of what happened to me in Sherwood Park and agreed to never go there without another adult again. This alone made me miss Graham's presence and our walks around town.
The day ended with a nap, when the baby sleeps, I sleep. Austin would be awake in 3 hours for another feeding.
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