“Gimme hate, Lord,” he whimpered. “I’ll take hate any day. But don’t give me love. I can’t take no more love, Lord. I can’t carry it...It’s too heavy. Jesus, you know, You know all about it. Ain’t it heavy? Jesus? Ain’t love heavy?" (Song of Solomon)
If love is followed by this unexplainable feeling or hate then I never want to love again. I can't have something so good and so right disappear in a matter of seconds ever repeat in my life. Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a while because it's Graham's birthday. Well it isn't, but it would have been. He would have turned a whopping 26. It is extremely bittersweet. On the one hand I get the pleasure of remembering all of the birthdays I have spent with him. There are the ones in high school where I shyly mumbled "Happy Birthday" in the halls and then there are the ones where we flew to a restaurant out of the state in his private plane and spent the night in a place we'd never been before. On the other hand, I feel discomfort each time my phone rings to ask me how I'm doing.
On this day I look at my son Austin and I see so much of Graham in him. It hurts more today than any other day. I have replayed the phone call, the waiting by Graham's bed up until he died, the moment I found out I was pregnant, and everything I have had to do on my own since Graham left me in this world over and over again. I have my good days and my bad days where at times I can't function. There are days where I won't eat and others where I simply lay in bed all day and Graham's parents take care of my sweet baby boy.
Today has been the hardest day in a while. Graham's parents have attempted multiple times to get me out of the house but I lay here in constant pain. I can't take 2 steps without tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. I had the Sminote's clear out every picture of Graham and every picture of Austin from the room in which I sleep. Everytime I glanced at one of them my heart filled with hate. Hate for myself for not going with Graham, hate that I am still alive and he's not, and hate that Laney still hasn't been found. I also hate my inability to find my own house and my inability to parent and move on. I hate myself for my relationship with my own parents and my lack of a relationship with my son.
After today I will be strong, I will fight to get my relationship with my parents back and I will better my relationships with my coworkers and friends. Graham would never want to see me sit here and waste away. I am living for a reason. I am living for him and through him.
I may never be able to love again, but I will not let hate predetermine my future.
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