Number 8

Graham's birthday was a day full of negativity. I went to bed that night with my windows closed and woke up the next morning earlier than normal. It was about 6:30am. Austin wasn't awake yet and the air felt still. Creepily still.

I went to work just to get my mind off of things. There I met a patient, Clara Kate Holloway. She seemed confused, distraught and unaware of her surroundings. She was laying in the mental health wing of the Good Samaritan Clinic.

What I don't quite understand is what happened to me. When I woke up I was still tired, a little groggy, but I couldn't fall back asleep. I've never been one to believe in ghosts. I'm not superstitious and I've always felt that people who claimed to have seen ghosts were simply crazy. But after this morning, I took a walk on the crazy side. I finally understood those who'd said they'd seen ghosts, granted some of them were just making it up for attention.

But this morning I saw Graham. I felt his touch, heard his voice, and remembered how good it felt to be loved. I hit myself multiple times thinking I was dreaming. But Graham reassured me that I wasn't. I found myself thinking that I should be where Clara Kate was laying. I don't usually interact with my patients and tell them about my personal life. But I found a little of myself in Clara Kate and I needed someone to talk to.

My conversation with Graham's ghost was the first real conversation I've had in a while. It didn't seem sugarcoated, he didn't ask how I was feeling, and he didn't tell me that he knew what I was going through was hard. I introduced myself to Clara Kate and proceeded to tell her how my conversation with my husband went:

"Ri, it's me. I'm here for you."

 "Graham? What's happening? You can't, you can't be here. You left me 7 months ago."

 "Ri baby, believe me. Talk to me. Hold me while you can. I'm here."

"It's you! It's you! Look at our precious boy. His name is..."

"His name is Graham Austin Sminote. Born on January 4th 2012. Baby I was there. I was with you. I'm with you every time you cry. I'm there to protect you when you're in danger. I never wanted to leave you but it was my time to go. God has a reason for everything he does."

 "No. Stop! This can't be real. I need you."

"Ri, you have me. I will be there whenever you need me. But you can't sit in your bed crying, wasting away."

"Graham, I still wear my wedding ring. I can't take it off. It goes with me through my ups and my downs."

"I am here for you. And I am here to tell you that you must move on. For me, my parents, and our child. You can't continue to live in a shell. You have to get out and be yourself. Be who you want to be. You never skipped work before. You always were independent. You were a go getter. Be that. That's who I fell in love with and that is who someone else will fall in love with if you just let them."

"But I can't! I can't. I am afraid of loving. My heart has been filled with an enormous amount of hate."

Our conversation ended with words I will never forget:

"Riley. I want you to keep that ring forever, as a symbol of my love. My love for a girl who is strong willed, independent and not afraid to fall in love again."

Telling my story to Clara Kate made it that much more real for me. I guess I am crazy and I'm definitely not ready to love again. I have things to figure out about myself and about my family. But having Graham there today, helped me immensely. He ultimately told me to move on. But I don't think I can find someone who treated me half as good as he did.

After work, Page and I have plans for dinner. I'm debating about whether or not to tell her about my encounter with Graham. I'm not quite sure if she'll be as understanding as Clara Kate was.

Number 7

“Gimme hate, Lord,” he whimpered. “I’ll take hate any day. But don’t give me love. I can’t take no more love, Lord. I can’t carry it...It’s too heavy. Jesus, you know, You know all about it. Ain’t it heavy? Jesus? Ain’t love heavy?" (Song of Solomon)

If love is followed by this unexplainable feeling or hate then I never want to love again. I can't have something so good and so right disappear in a matter of seconds ever repeat in my life. Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a while because it's Graham's birthday. Well it isn't, but it would have been. He would have turned a whopping 26. It is extremely bittersweet. On the one hand I get the pleasure of remembering all of the birthdays I have spent with him. There are the ones in high school where I shyly mumbled "Happy Birthday" in the halls and then there are the ones where we flew to a restaurant out of the state in his private plane and spent the night in a place we'd never been before. On the other hand, I feel discomfort each time my phone rings to ask me how I'm doing.

On this day I look at my son Austin and I see so much of Graham in him. It hurts more today than any other day. I have replayed the phone call, the waiting by Graham's bed up until he died, the moment I found out I was pregnant, and everything I have had to do on my own since Graham left me in this world over and over again. I have my good days and my bad days where at times I can't function. There are days where I won't eat and others where I simply lay in bed all day and Graham's parents take care of my sweet baby boy.

Today has been the hardest day in a while. Graham's parents have attempted multiple times to get me out of the house but I lay here in constant pain. I can't take 2 steps without tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. I had the Sminote's clear out every picture of Graham and every picture of Austin from the room in which I sleep. Everytime I glanced at one of them my heart filled with hate. Hate for myself for not going with Graham, hate that I am still alive and he's not, and hate that Laney still hasn't been found. I also hate my inability to find my own house and my inability to parent and move on. I hate myself for my relationship with my own parents and my lack of a relationship with my son.

After today I will be strong, I will fight to get my relationship with my parents back and I will better my relationships with my coworkers and friends. Graham would never want to see me sit here and waste away. I am living for a reason. I am living for him and through him.

I may never be able to love again, but I will not let hate predetermine my future.

Number 6

A couple of weeks after being rushed to the hospital, I had my baby boy on January 4th, 2012. I named him after my beloved husband Graham. He reminds me so much of Graham, he is the spitting image of him. I couldn't have asked for a healthier baby boy. Graham's parents and I chose to call my sweet boy by his middle name, Austin.

I haven't returned to work yet and Laney hasn't been found. It is early March and Austin just turned 2 months old 3 days ago.

Today was an odd day, Austin slept through the night last night which he has never done before and now he won't go back to sleep. So I decided to take him for a stroll in Sherwood Park, somewhere I have not been since my last chain of events there.

...And maybe I should have continued not to go back and visit. It seems that there is something off about my last few visits to Sherwood park. I hadn't been there but maybe 20 minutes when I got run into by a perpetrator who took Austin's diaper bag and left!

I became a victim once again in Sherwood park. Luckily, the only thing in Austin's diaper bag was a new bag of wipes, 3 diapers, and some butt paste. No money, no phone, nothing really valuable. But I sure did like that diaper bag! It was the cutest one I received after giving birth to Austin.

After a couple of people asked me if I was okay, I power walked home feeling kind of out of it. On the way, Austin fell asleep (Thank God!). I informed the Sminotes of what happened to me in Sherwood Park and agreed to never go there without another adult again. This alone made me miss Graham's presence and our walks around town.

The day ended with a nap, when the baby sleeps, I sleep. Austin would be awake in 3 hours for another feeding.